It's been about a week or so, there's a wreath of flowers attatched to one of the poles at the coner of Grattan & Flemington. I passed it about two weeks? back and there was police blockade there. I guess the flowers meant a death. I use that road daily and everytime i pass there i can't help but think why wasn't it me?

It isn't that my life isn't fufilling or that i hate myself so much that i'd like to disappear. THe more i think about it, i am happy that i have had a fufilling life. I've learnt to love, i've learnt to lose, i've made friends and enemies - i've done a lot of things this past 20 years. Maybe yes, i still have plenty of phases to go through - career, get married, have a family, age gracefully... but if i truely think about it, if i died tomorrow i would die happy because i've lived comfortably and have satisfied only what my mind has thought of at 20. I am happy i got to eat ice cream, i am satisfied i got to experience the sunsets and sunrises all the while, and i am content that i grew up in a stable household with plenty of love.

I wonder if those people who have had their lives taken away have had a fufilling one, or realised they had a satisfying one. If not, i wonder why it had to be them to die and not me. I think i'd take their place in an instant given the choice. I'd rather it be me.


you can just tell that i have an exam around the corner...and also i have to face someone i don't want to. Yes yes cowardly of me.