Six-thirty a.m. She reluctantly gets up and pads over to the bathroom. Splashing cold water over her face she faces her reflection that stares back at her. Good morning sunshine. Except today she does not feel like sunshine. Not since she can remember when did she feel like sunshine. Dark circles, her eyes, puffy from the endless nights of crying, a perpetual frown upon her face. Smile. She tugs the corners upwards and manages a smile, for only a second. The frown resettles. She sighs, resigned, as she makes a cup of coffee. Not for her, for him.

He hurt her so, and she was making coffee for him at the crack of dawn? She would rather have poured it all over him. ‘Rasakan’, it would not even match half of the amount he had hurt her. She would never have the heart to.

‘Dear wake up, you have to go to work.’
No response.
‘Dear!! OI!!’
He turns over.
Blardy hell.

She flipped over her bedcovers and fluffed the pillows, breathing in the scent he left behind. Ironing his shirts, she wondered when she lost herself. Twenty and here she was living a life of a housewife, or is it a mistress? He came and went as he chose. Lately it has been rather frequent. She could leave, she could turn her back and walk away, but something held her back. It always held her back. He always held her back.

This time, this time was different. She could not help but think about the other him. The midnight sky was filled with the glow from stars and the lull of the waves greeted their ears as they sat on the sand not saying anything, not needing to say anything. A sense of urgency filled the night although they only met an hour before. It would not mean a thing she told herself. He was just a pretty face with a name for tonight. Sated and contented she slept with a smile upon her face for the first time in many, many months.

It was supposed to end there. No feelings involved no regrets and no pain. But things never ever work out the way you have planned it no matter how well you think you have planned it. He introduced her to his fiancé a month later, the other him. A ton of bricks fell on her, hard. He called her, he still did, this other him. He said he missed her, he never once said he loved her, this other him.

He never said he loved her anymore either. He did not want to give her commitment but expected it of her. He was giving her a second chance. He did not know of the other him. He would not know and how she would like him to find out. How she would like him to feel jealous and hurt. How she would want him to hurt. How she would not be the one to tell him.

She burnt a big hole in his white shirt. Switching the iron off, she tossed the shirt away into the bin.

Why could she not let herself escape this life? Surely it was not her destiny, but maybe for now, until she learnt to love herself…until she was willing to let go of something lost a long time ago.

Gathering her house keys and purse, she shut the door behind her. She will be back, as he will be back tonight.

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
I saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Tossed along the way
Letters that you never meant to send
Lost and thrown away
Now we're grown up orphans that never knew their names
We don't belong to no one- that's a shame
You could hide beside me, maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name... no I won't tell 'em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe
And re-runs all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name... no I won't tell 'em your name
I won't tell 'em your name...
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
If it's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name
-Name, Goo Goo Dolls